


let you go

by akabane514



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi's pov, M/M, happy ending is not guaranteed, i made up two characters, i mentioned kuroo like once, idk where this is going, sad stuff, there is cursing!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akabane514/pseuds/akabane514
Summary: Just Akaashi dealing with his mental health issues and his break up with BokutoStatus : ongoing with very slow updates
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 9





	1. waves - dean lewis

**Author's Note:**

> ( >> ) means that it's a flashback and ( ** ) means the flashback ended. just in case you were confused!!

>>  
“Do you promise?” Akaashi gazed into Bokuto’s eyes. 

“Don’t be silly.” He then planted a kiss on Akaashi’s forehead before pulling him into a warm, tight embrace.

**

This was the only scene playing in Akaashi’s head. His head was spinning. He felt his vision blurring. _That’s right._ He thought. _He didn’t promise me. He didn’t say it._

>>  
**September 2018**

**_Bokuto_ **  
_12.04am_

Akaashi?  
Think you can come out for a while? 

It has been like this for a while now. Today is the 5th of September. This means that they have met up at night for seven days in a row. _I wonder where would we go today?_

“- that’s so cool right? I bet I look so good when I did that!” Bokuto exclaimed while widening his arms to show Akaashi how far he can jump while blindfolded. Akaashi couldn’t help but smile. They were sitting in a corner at Macdaisys. Bokuto had brought a extra hoodie in case Akaashi was cold. He would never admit it but he purposely forgets his jackets just so he could wear Bokuto’s.

They were soon kicked out of Macdaisys when it was 1 am. 

“What a scam! I thought Macdaisys is opened for 24hours?! Whatever man!” 

They were two kids wandering around the neighbourhood. It was 1 am so naturally all the shops were closed. When they arrived at the playground, they automatically sat down on the swing. 

After an hour of talking, they somehow shifted onto the floor.

“Wow Akaashi, this sure is heavy.” Bokuto commented while Akaashi just… smiled.

Akaashi is someone who overthinks while Bokuto was more of a "live in the moment" kind of guy. Bokuto claims that the saddest he has ever felt was when Kuroo gave him a pineapple ice cream instead of an apple one. Bokuto wanted to really get to know Akaashi so he’s trying his best to explain how suffocating he feels some times. 

He started putting stones onto Bokuto’s hand. One by one. Sometimes they were big, sometimes they were small. But the only thing is they keep coming. This. This is the easiest way he could think of to let Bokuto understand how he feels. No matter what, the stones will keep coming and no matter how heavy it got, he just _couldn’t_ let them go.

“Geez, Akaashi. It sounds pretty difficult... but it’s okay because I will still love you!” Bokuto beamed at Akaashi. “Ah my bad Akaashi, I dropped the stones!!!”

Akaashi just smiled.

**October**

“So what do you say?” Bokuto had a blue rose in his hands. He carefully passed the fake blue rose. “It’s glass so be careful!” 

Akaashi smiled as he looked at the crystal flower. It’s _beautiful._

“See, they will only last for three years so I will buy you a new one every three years!!” 

“So you just assumed that we will be together forever huh?”

“A-KAA-SHIIII!!!” He smiled at the smaller boy, “I promise I will love you forever!!! YOU are the love of MY life!!!” He enunciated every word clearly while moving his hands to show Akaashi just how much he loved him.

**

 _God, Akaashi. Why the hell are you like this? This is why Bokuto left you in the first place._ Akaashi was just staring at his ceiling. He didn’t bother wiping his tears. He just couldn’t find the strength to lift his hand. _Where the hell did I go wrong?_

>>  
**December 2018**

“Come on Keiiijiiiiii!!!” Bokuto was whining under his blanket. “Let’s go to the winter wonderland thingy!! It looks like so much fun!!!”

“Please, Koutarou. You know how I feel about the cold and being surrounded by lots of strangers.” Akaashi replied without even looking up from his homework. “Plus you’re sick, I can’t let you do that.”

“Aw man, okay keiji.” Bokuto brought his blanket along while making a beeline towards Akaashi. He sat down on his boyfriend’s lap before resting his chin on his shoulder. Just when he was about to doze off, he muttered a very faint _I love you._ If Akaashi wasn’t straining his ears, he would have never caught that.

Bokuto’s parents weren’t home so it was just them. It was just them with lo-fi music playing in the background. This was basically their weekly ritual. Bokuto moved closer to feel Akaashi’s warmth. _I love you, Koutarou, I always will._

**

_Fuck, why am I so stupid?_ He made his way to his toilet and _damn._ His eyes were puffy and his nose was red. He looked at the dark eye circle he had accumulated over the weeks. _Why the fuck did you let him in?_ He rubbed his eyes but was quickly interrupted by his legs. _Wow, you gonna give up on me too?_ He supported himself by holding onto the sink. _I should take a shower._

__

__

_> >  
**January 2019**_

__

“Keiji? You gonna shower? Want me to join you?” Bokuto smirked while pretending to take off his shirt. 

____

“Not this again,” Akaashi laughed at Bokuto’s umpteenth attempt to try and make him blush.

____

Bokuto saw Akaashi blush once when he stole a quick kiss from him in the library. After that day, he made it his secret mission to get Akaashi to blush.

____

_**_

____

_I should shower. I haven’t had one in the past 24 hours._

____

The water was hitting Akaashi relentlessly. He looked down to get a good view of his knuckles. They were red. Was it from punching the wall earlier or was it from gripping his own hand too tightly? He’ll never know. 

____

_> >  
**March**_

____

“What do you mean you can’t stop? You can, it’s literally your own choice.” Bokuto glared at Akaashi when he saw that his arm had unusual red lines. 

____

“What are you trying to accuse me of, Bokuto-san? It’s not even bleeding.” Akaashi replied coldly when Bokuto caught a glimpse of his arm. “I didn’t do anything.”

____

_It's not fair. I didn't choose this. I don't want this to happen but it still did._

____

When Akaashi and Bokuto first got together, it was like a dream come true. It was a big enough distraction to distract himself from all the horrible things in his head.

____

However, their relationship was just like any other. They disagreed on certain things but quickly made up. When it hits the sixth month, Bokuto stopped complimenting Akaashi as much. Bokuto no longer drop by to pick up Akaashi after his school ended. Bokuto no longer bother to send Akaashi good morning and good night messages. When Bokuto bailed on their weekly ritual without telling Akaashi, that was it. It was like the trigger. It was the start of his… state.

____

__I wonder if he still loves me._ _

____

He picked up his phone and reviewed their conversation. 

____

_\---------------------------------------------------------------  
**_Koutarou <3_**_

____

11.48am  
Where are you?  
_seen an hour ago_

2.19pm  
have you eaten?  
wanna grab a bite?  
_seen an hour ago_  
\--------------------------------------------------------------- 

____

It’s currently 4pm and Akaashi is starving. He wanted to wait for Bokuto so they could at least eat together but guess that was not happening. 

____

_Am I really going to starve myself?_

____

_No. I promised Koutarou I would take care of myself._

____

_You know what, missing one lunch won’t hurt._

____

_ding_  
It was 8pm and Bokuto finally decided to reply his message. 

____

“Sorry akaashi I forgot to tell you Akihiro and Mikoto are at my house.” 

____

_Wait, what? Who are they? Why haven’t he ever mentioned them?_

____

He called Bokuto and he was surprised when he didn’t pick up. 

____

_What are they doing?_ Akaashi could feel his head spinning. He told Bokuto about his overthinking “ability” and this was what he did? They had agreed that they would inform each other of any plans they have made. _Did he just decide to conveniently forget about me?_ The possibilities were endless. Bokuto was way out of his league. Anything could happen and he didn't like the thought of that. 

_____ _

**_9.10am_**  
Akaashi woke up to his phone ringing beside him. _What happened yesterday?_

______ _ _

“Good morning Keiji!!! I’m so sorry I forgot to call you yesterday.” _Right I forgot I was up waiting for him._ Before Akaashi could prop himself up using his left arm, he winced a little. 

_______ _ _ _

“Keiji? Are you okay?” 

_______ _ _ _

“Yes Koutarou. Oh my mum is calling me, bye.” 

_______ _ _ _

“But I heard yo-” 

_______ _ _ _

Akaashi couldn’t bear to hear Bokuto’s voice. Not right now. He doesn’t deserve to. 

_______ _ _ _

_Damn it._ His saw a few red faint lines. He is fully aware that he promised Bokuto he would take serious care of himself but it was getting too much for him to handle. _Fuck, what have I done?_

_______ _ _ _

He quickly kept his guitar pick and got ready to shower. _I promised Bokuto I would stay away from sharp metal, I guess guitar picks is fine._

_______ _ _ _

It was a stupid logic, he knows. But the sense of relief that washed over him was enough to make him keep this a secret from Bokuto. 

_______ _ _ _

**  
He looked down at his arm and when he saw the same red marks, he couldn’t help but scoff. _I guess some things doesn’t change. huh_

_______ _ _ _


	2. bruises - Lewis Capaldi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hope things get better for akaashi!!! 
> 
> also in the next chapter i'm gonna reveal their break up!!! surprise surprise!!!!

_It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so much._ Akaashi sat down on his toilet floor while letting the water hit the back of his head. 

"Stupid Stupid stupid!"

He felt his hand subconsciously hitting the side of his head. He paused and look up at the water hitting him. _Right, why would he stay with a loser like me?_

>>  
"And that's why Island Song in Adventure Time is my favourite song!" Akaashi tried to fake his enthusiasm, sensing that Bokuto isn't paying much attention to him. "That's cool Akaashi."

"Hey Koutarou, you have a match coming up right?"

"Yeah, whats up? Wanna come?"

“Do you want me to come?” 

“I don’t know, up to you.”

 _It’s only been seven months._ He thought. _Is he tired of me already?_

Bokuto used to pester Akaashi all the time to go to his matches and he would never take no for an answer. But ever since Bokuto graduated, he doesn’t seem to care if Akaashi attends. _He doesn’t even notice me and he doesn’t even bother finding me._

_What’s the point?_

“Wow Akaashi you actually came!” Bokuto shouted after his matches when Akaashi approached him.

“I’m going to eat dinner with my friends, wanna join?”

Akaashi looked around to see that there was a group of volleyballers staring at them. 

“Nah, I actually have to be home for dinner.” _I don’t think they want me around either._

When he turned after waving goodbye, he heard something.

“Who was that?”

“Oh, he's my high school friend! He was a setter.” Bokuto’s words rang in his ear. Friends. Friends. Friends. _Friends. friends…?_ His heart sank a little when he heard Bokuto said "a setter" instead of "my setter" like he has always said.

He stopped in his tracks and looked at his feet.

_So is that what he tells people we are?_

He could feel his eyes heating up. _No, not here. Anywhere but here._ He quickly made his way home just to lock himself in his room. As usual, his parents aren’t home so they just left dinner on the table.

 _I wonder if anyone has a crush on Bokuto._

_What if he finds someone better and just… leave?_ That was his only thought while he was on his way home. 

He shook his head violently. _No, there’s no way. We have only been together for seven months. I doubt he will really get bored of me after a mere seven months. I'm reading too much into this._

He placed his head on the table. _Nah, he said he wouldn’t so he won’t._ He took a sip out of his cup and rested his head on his palm. _He won’t, right?_

** 

"Right, he was already not interested in me, why didn't I take the hint? I could have been the one to dump him..."

He made his way into his bed again and took out his phone while biting his bottom lip. 

_It's just letters._ He opened his Instagram and went to the search bar function. He had muted Bokuto's story and posts. _This kind of defeats the purpose of muting him._ He paused for a while before assuring himself. _What's the worst that could happen?_ He typed in letters to form the name of the one he has been longing for all this time.

_itzzbokutohere_

He chuckled a little as he typed in those letters. He remembered how Bokuto tried to convince him that he has become cool just by adding in "itzz" in his username. He also remember how he got into emo Bokuto mode when he saw that it was taken. Luckily he thought of adding the word "here" and bokuto loved it.

His profile picture was still the one he had secretly taken of him while they went to the planetarium for their first date. _I wonder how he's doing._

He scrolled down to his feed and was surprised by what he saw.

_Hm? What's this?_

It has been months since Bokuto updated a picture of himself. He usually just uploads pictures and ratings of owls. 

Akaashi pressed the photo and saw the date. **December 26, 2019**

He stared hard at the picture, admiring how soft his features looks. Even in this chilling weather, he tends to have the habit of forgetting his scarf.But, somehow, in this picture, he... looks different. He looks... happy. _really_ happy.

Then, it daunted on Akaashi. He knew the place where he was at. They had visited the winter wonderland together and talked about how that place is going to be their yearly tradition. _what bullshit._

Bokuto was seated on one half of the bench, the left side. Akaashi knows that because he refuses to sit on the right. He thinks his right side looks better so he deserves to sit on the left. But no matter where you look, he's always looks really good. Just when they were about to leave, he turned around and drew a bright pink heart and wrote " BK + AK = 4 eva!!! " with the markers he brought along. As cheesy as it sounds, it made Akaashi happy. He liked being showered in Bokuto's love. But after a closer look, Akaashi realised that heart was just pink. No initials in it whatsoever. The ink was covered over by another shade of pink. And yet there Bokuto was eating a sandwich and smiling at the camera. 

_Ouch._

Somehow, there's something different about this picture. Bokuto usually only posts pictures with other people. Be it with the team or with Akaashi but ever since their split, he was nowhere to be seen in Bokuto's account. This was the first solo picture Bokuto had posted. _Maybe that's why._

Akaashi rubbed his eyes and refocused at the picture. On closer inspection, he realised that this was a picture taken without Bokuto knowing. Bokuto was smiling at whoever took his picture. It felt so genuine. Akaashi quickly closed his phone before wrapping himself in a blanket. _It's probably Kuroo. He probably took this photo as a joke while telling one._ He squeezed his eyes shut while chanting the word "empty" in his head, desperate to go to sleep.

>>  
**Timestamp : one month into their relationship**  
"Akaashi I will never break up with you! Don't worry about it!"

This is a rare moment where Akaashi told Bokuto what he was thinking.

"Silly silly Akaashi." He smiled at Akaashi before taking his hand into his own. "I am not going anywhere. Next time when you're scared just call me!!! I'm really strong." He proceeds to flex his biceps only to get a smack by Akaashi.

They both started laughing and Bokuto started snuggling into Akaashi's arms. 

"I will never leave you, Akaashi," He stopped to give him a quick kiss. "You're so dumb for thinking that way!"  
**

Right, Akaashi. He has a point, you're fucking stupid. For thinking that you deserve happiness. Well in your face, idiot. You deserve it.

He turned to face his wall. Clinging onto his pillow like as if it's oxygen.

"Stupid bitch, why did you believe him? Why did you have to believe him?" He stabbed his thigh with his thumb. He started to press it down harder before moving it harshly down to his knee. "You're pathetic, did you really think that you deserve to be with someone like him?"

It hurts. His wrist, his knuckles, his thumb, his thighs but mostly, his heart. 

Akaashi is a writer. He knows tons and tons of ways to phrase something and to describe them. But right now, the only word he seems to know is " _hurt_ ". 

He could not only say the word but he could _feel_ it. 

He recalled watching a few movies with Bokuto that involved breakups but he had never quite understood why the character would wallow in self pity for so long. _It's not very smart to be completely dependent on someone,_ he remembers thinking that way. _You had it coming._

Well, who's the fool now?


End file.
